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Finally Free
I was angry with God. Why didn't He fix my life? What about all the promises in the Bible? Didn't they apply to me? Had He abandon me?
At 19, I sat alone in a cemetery. How could I go on? Did I even want to live any more? Only tears came. Dreams no longer mattered. For my family no longer existed.
On that black day, my parent's divorce was final. I struggled. In between sobs, a barely audible “Help me, Jesus” found its way through my lips.
Memories, hopes, dreams, questions jumbled through my mind. Couldn't my parents have tried harder? Couldn't they have forgiven each other? Why didn't they work things out?
After a couple of hours, I somehow managed to drive back home. Depression seized me in a chokehold.
At home as I walked in, loneliness, emptiness, and hopelessness overwhelmed me. In the family room, my mother and brother were already sitting there, crying. I joined them.
Following the divorce, my parent's lives were shattered, and they struggled for years to recover. Childhood innocence vanished. Everyone lost. In the Bible, God says, “I hate divorce.”1 I now understand why. I hated divorce too.
Over the next few months, not only did I face physical consequences—my menstrual cycle stopped for nine months—but I also plummeted into an emotional and spiritual freefall. Several lies invaded in my mind: I can't trust men, I am unworthy of love, I will be abandoned again, and no one cares about me, not even God.
Throughout the next year as I rehearsed each agonizing memory, the noose of bitterness tightened. And the lies were reinforced.
All the routes of escape I tried—running to my boyfriend, overeating, purging, and overspending—were only temporary detours that soon eroded. They didn't satisfy; they didn't bring relief.
A couple of years later, however, I experienced freedom as I began to discover how to release bit by bit the memories, the heartache, and the lies to God. Whenever a memory or lie came to mind, I said, “God, I give this lie, this heartache, or this hurtful memory to You. Please heal me.” And I finally let them go.
Slowly, I also began to refocus my thoughts from my hurt, or what had been done to me, to Jesus, and what He had ultimately done for me. After I navigated these steps, Jesus defused the hurts and lies.
Lastly, I began to devour the words in the Bible. Each time I discovered a new truth, I memorized it: “I have loved you...with an everlasting love. With unfailing love I have drawn you to myself.”2
Then an amazing thing happened: Biblical truths uprooted the deeply embedded lies. As each new truth permeated my mind, I inched closer to freedom.
One by one, my brother, my mother, and I began to experience new freedom as God restored our lives and repaired our hearts. Amazingly, the devastating circumstances drove us to seek Him.
After admitting my anger at God, asking for His forgiveness, and accepting what He allowed in our family, I experienced lasting peace and hope. And my heart no longer ached. Eventually, even the lies dissipated.
Years later, though I didn't realize it at the time, God showed me that He did love me and that He was there for me. I wasn't alone. I finally began grasping the promise that Jesus would never abandon me. After my wedding, God helped me learn how to trust my husband.
On that day my parent's divorced, God heard my weeping, He saw my bleeding heart, and He felt my chest heaving as the emotions churned out. In contrast to the utter devastation I experienced during my family's breakup, I now know and celebrate a new depth of Jesus' incredible love and faithfulness. And I am no longer alone.
“Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me. Put your hope in God.”Psalm 42:5 (NIV)
Bible References:
1 Malachi 2:16 (NIV)
2 Jeremiah 31:3 (NLT)
Scripture taken from the HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION (NIV)
Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 International Bible Society.
Used by permission of Zondervan Bible Publishers.
Scripture quotations marked (NLT) are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation,
Copyright © 1996. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton Illinois 60189.
All rights reserved.
