Home | Artist Bio | News | Watercolor Gallery | Stories | Ebook | Watercolor Desktops | Specials | Original Watercolors | Contact Pamela
Love Won
“You hate your father and God,” he suddenly blurted out. I sat there stunned.
While having lunch with a well-known counselor and author, I shared some of the deep hurt I had experienced when my father divorced my mother after 24 years of marriage, stripping me of my family.
In this vulnerable moment, all the masks had been removed. I had to face the naked truth about myself. My bitterness seeped out.
Like a cockroach scurrying for cover, I quickly changed the subject. I felt terrified to face the truth or relive the agony. My survival tactics had blinded me.
I had been a Christ follower for years and even actively served as a Bible study leader. Could this be true? Could I have done all this and yet have had a bitter heart?
Although his comments stung, I resolved not to break down. So I waited until we parted. Then in my car, I began weeping. A lifetime of heartache and pain gushed out. Through the tears, I cried out, “Jesus, I'm so sorry.”
I struggled through a sleepless night. Traumatic childhood memories—the unthinkable—resurfaced and plagued me. I longed to be freed.
I acknowledged the resentment, anger, bitterness, fear, and hatred that I had stockpiled against my father and, though difficult to admit, even against God. When God didn't answer my prayer to keep my family together and my parents divorced, I shifted my anger toward Him. Although excruciating to admit my guilt, I sensed a release from the destructive emotions. Honest repentance launched the healing process.
God's love and forgiveness quieted my heart. Perhaps for the first time, I made tiny steps towards true spiritual freedom. The next morning I emerged out of bed a different woman.
Over the next several days, I wrote a letter to my father that I never intended to mail. I tried to list every single hurt, disappointment, and broken promise I could remember. I also asked God to dislodge any hidden memories that inadvertently held me in bondage.
After completing the letter, I crumpled it up and threw it into a blazing fire. As flames consumed it, I inched closer to freedom. And a deep peace replaced relentless anxiety.
“Jesus,” I cried, “I am so sorry for my hatred and bitterness. Only You can fix my brokenness.”
Over the next few years though my father and I lived across the country from one another, our relationship continued. Sadly, we were never very close. Sometimes, a small skirmish with unforgiveness or disappointment would still flare up.
But on one memorable day before heading out boating, my father phoned me. We laughed and chatted. When it came time to say “good-bye,” I struggled for a moment whether or not to say “I love you.”
In my mind, a battle ensued. But I said a quick prayer, “Jesus, please help.” Then I added, “Dad, I love you.” He responded, “Yeah, here too.”
Four days later while I was cooking dinner, my brother called and simply said, “Pamela, Dad died.”
By allowing God to deal with my bitterness, I no longer remained the same woman that the author in the restaurant said I was; I had taken great strides towards healing. As I learned to release the resentment and forgive—whether I ever heard an apology or not—the wounds healed. God's love had replaced the former hate.
At my father's funeral, I shared the opportunity from God that came just days earlier. My last words to my father: “Dad, I love you.”
“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.”Galatians 5:1 (NIV)
Scripture taken from the HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION (NIV)
Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 International Bible Society.
Used by permission of Zondervan Bible Publishers.
